It's Saturday, the 29th Day of December 2012.  I was awaken after 7:00 a.m. to the cries of my 7 year old daughter, she had something in her eye or at least that's what I thought since it appeared to be swollen and painful to the touch.  After attempting to calm her down by holding her close to me and telling her mommy would help her, I opened her eye as much as she would allow without protest and rinsed with warm water.  Then, as my husband suggested, put a damp compress on it.  After she'd calmed and laid down to rest, I laid next to her and went back to sleep.

I was again awaken, about 11:00 a.m., to the sound of my daughter playing.  I was anxious to see about her eye, looked at her and was so relieved to see her looking back at me with both eyes open and in no pain.  I immediately thanked God (Al-Hamdulillah), for what she was experiencing could have been much worse but it appears there was a little something in her eye and now "it" is removed. The feeling of joy, just seeing her play, feeling what I'm sure all children do when they don't have stresses, worries, unfortunate hindrances in "their world", they feel as Michael Jackson so beautifully sang, "so gay and carefree...with a child's heart".


I wrote the above on Saturday, December 29 thinking I'd chronicle the last three days of December leading up to midnight ringing (or shooting in) the "new year" but I didn't complete my thoughts on Saturday, didn't write anything on Sunday and am just opening my blog just a short while ago today.  So on this Monday, December 31, 2012 at 11:41 p.m., I am with my immediate family, my husband and children and so grateful to have these moments, these seconds that are ticking away into a new January. I've said as I'm certain others have said already in our out and abouts this day and probably as early as this past weekend, "Happy New Year".  We've initiated that well wish to others or as a volleyed response but I internally say "Happy New January" instead, for although I would love to see the 2013 (and many years to come) from day 1 to 365 (366), it's not guaranteed so I say happy new each day at a time and this next day just happens to be the 1st of January, as a matter of ritual.

This soon to be past year, 2012, has been one of so much in the way of triumph, heartache, loss, renew, innovation, devastation, annihilation, spectacle, amazement in ways of grandeur and sorrowfully in ways of horrible despair.  Through it all, in observation of so much, I've been blessed to witness another (in about 9 minutes) completed year on the grand chart of time.  What will become of me, what is to become of my life, I have no idea but I do know in what areas I need better focus and attention of efforts and God Willing I will work on them, one at a time.  That's the my only goal, a collection resolutions of sorts, to be more diligent with working toward being better in all the ways I need and want to be and whatever does become of me will be because I did only what I can, that which is in my own power, TO DO!

"Do or do not...there is no try" - Yoda

"HAPPY NEW JANUARY"

12/12/12

The current time, 11:45 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 12, 2012, as it's been decided, by whom exactly or a collection of whoms, I don't know.  What I do know is that I'm here, I'm alive and have not only come to see this day but have almost lived through it.  If I am alive when the clock (computer monitor) strikes 12:00, I will...well I don't know for certain what I will be doing but providing that happens, me being a live still while the clock strikes 12:00, I would have seen this day 12/12/12 come and go in its entirety, living another day that which will become history. 

I didn't think to write out anything elaborate, nothing thought provoking, nothing about the many other topics, that occur that cause me to want to come to this blog to type that which I verbally vent on almost a daily basis.  I just wanted to write something on this day. A day that I awoke to see as did the vast majority of persons on this planet but not everyone has or will live to see it's end.  Could be true for me still, it's 11:56 p.m. and we never know when... 

Whatever is to happen prior to and after 12:00, moving pass 12/12/12 into 12/13/12, I have seen this day, the sunshine, my wonderful husband, the smiling faces of my children, talked to my mother and sister and got home safe from being out and about in it all.  With that, I AM GRATEFUL!  

R.I.P. TV

It's early Sunday morning, the clock reads 12:52 a.m.  I forgot about SNL until I looked at the time on the laptop, it read 12:28 a.m. but instead of tuning in then, I decided to just check out whatever is posted on Hulu later this morning.  It's almost the end of 2012, I've "lived" the days going by, see the date, write it even but still I think and have said to others, "can you believe it's November already..." and they'll agree and/or add a few comments of their own.  What brings me to this blog this early morning, is reading recently, like within the past couple hours, that a television show I have become excited about seeing every week has been cancelled.  Yes, another television show, program if you will, has been put on the chopping block and I feel upset.  I wasn't just upset in a cerebral way but for a few minutes when reading the sentence that concluded with "...has been cancelled", I actually felt upset.

Why am I upset?  Can't say that I am because I have any personal stake in the show continuing like I would if I were an actor, writer, producer, etc., relative or close associate to those persons who do have that particular connection with the show.  I have only not missed and enjoyed each episode  with it's Sunday, November 11 episode being one of the most nail bitingly exciting I've seen yet.  I'm upset because I really enjoy watching television, with some shows more than others, I become engrossed in the story, I am excited for the characters and impressed by the talent involved from behind the scenes and definitely in front of  the camera to make those television shows all they are to keep myself and millions coming back, no, actually wishing it were again the day that those shows aired.  The same with another show I'm so glad lasted it's premier season and is successfully into it's second, "Grimm".  Friday's episode was another that left me wanting to know what's going to happen next and the writers, producers know they have something special because after the end scene faded to black, on the screen was displayed a "To Be Continued..." accompanied also by "Sorry".  That gave me a chuckle but also was a cool way to bait the hook, so with patience and the passing of days, it'll be either a week or just a few of them before "Grimm" continues on.

Yesterday evening, I learned that "666 Park Avenue" has been cancelled or will be after its 13 episode run and possibly will not return when the many of other shows will after the winter hiatus.  I don't understand why the show was cancelled, of all the shows that could have and in my opinion should have been on the chopping block, why is "666 Park Avenue" included in the line up?  The writing is intelligent, suspenseful, humorous, sarcastic in all the best ways, the plot intriguing and the actors work well together bringing all that brilliance to life.  Terry O'Quinn is so good at being bad.  Vanessa Williams, a talented beauty, I've enjoyed her in movies and television and her past years of  transition on ABC alone included two of my other favorites, "Ugly Betty" & "Desperate Housewives", I'm a fan.  The other actors as well round out a wonderful cast that could now be put in the category of "was" and just as a few television shows recently and in the past, I am not okay with that.

Those shows, my favorites, my weekly ocular pleasures that have since bitten the dust, still I wonder why? Many other shows have been on for quite awhile, winning awards that I don't feel are close to being as interesting or have nearly the talent of writing and/or acting as some of the shows I've loved and lost but yet "mine" are continuously up for discussion of deletion from my weekly line up.  "My" shows may only continue on in my mind and of course what can be found on the internet, while others, to my wonderment, remain in their time slot week after week, season after season.  Is wonderment a word, I really don't care if it isn't, that's how perplexed I am at the survival of some other television shows and for a duration.  Myself being unaware of what politics rendered "666 Park Avenue" cancelled although with a bit of optimism there's the possibility of it remaining through petitions and pleading, but it's most probably pointless.  In my heart and mind, where I've reserved a section for fallen shows, "666 Park Avenue", you will live on and in great company:

"City of Angels"             January 2000 - (not sure when last episode aired but was a great show)
"Reunion"                      September 2005 - December 2005
"Windfall"                      June 2006 - August 2006
"Miss Match"                September 2003 - December 2003
"Aliens in America"        October 2007 - May 2008
"Privileged"                    September 2008 - February 2009
"Pushing Daisies"           October 2007 - March 2009 (gone too soon)
"FlashForward"             September 2009 - May 2010 (at least got an entire season)
"The Gates"                   June 2010 - September 2010
"Undercovers"               September 2010 - ???? (Dec. 2012 or early 2011)
"GCB"                          March 2012 - May 2012
"666 Park Avenue"       September 2012 - ??? (Pending 201?)

There were others that had gotten me to threatening to boycott networks because of a cancelled show(s), Fox 29 & The CW.  Fox 29 back in 2005 when Reunion was cancelled and The CW which replaced UPN, used to air a number of African-American casts shows.  I used to watch CW just about every night but when "Everybody Hates Chris" and "Girlfriends" were cancelled, the last two predominately African-American casts shows on network television, that was it, I was done with them and haven't looked at a show on their network since.  Ok, that's not entirely true, maybe a few times, but like on one hand and it was awhile after "...Chris" & "Girlfriends".  I do not currently.  It was so easy to roll off my lips again after reading about "666 Park Avenue", "I'm not watching ABC again..." but eased up on that because I like 6 other shows on the network, so I'm still internally debating this, if even for a few weeks to show defiance as a result of being disgusted by the lost of another great show.  With the mid-season finales already having aired for both "Once...Time" & "Revenge", that allows me some time to ponder.

I am aware that this is only this crucial in my own mind.  There are more pressing matters going on all around me, across the world, within my own family even, but this is my release, television is, I don't drink, smoke, otherwise party or hang out socially on the regular, writing and watching television is my thing.  Well, this perhaps for most could be much ado about nothing but to me, the part of me that values great writing, this is something.  Writing matters to me because I am a self-proclaimed writer and would be ecstatic if one day I arrive at being worthy of consideration from those in the literary world that I too am a good writer.  There have been many television shows I've enjoyed viewing, if I live long enough there will be others but for now I say a tentative goodbye to "666 Park Avenue" and wish goodness toward the entire team, especially the writers and actors.

Michael Jackson Is My "Bestie"

Hello All,

You beautiful readers of my blog, by the hundreds of thousands, was going to say a higher number but why be all the way ridiculous. Just wanted to add another posts, reading over my previous posts, they have a vibe of blahhh! They mean something to me being my experiences, a few of my deepest thoughts and all but ya'll don't want to read all that. Not that there's a "ya'll" that will read this either but hey, still want to mix it up a bit.

As I clean the house I need the assistance of music and who better than Michael Jackson. While listening to over 2 hours of Michael Jackson songs, there's currently 168 on my iPod in number but some are repeats because of the greatest hits albums and compilations but it's a nice mix and still there are others I want. So with dancing around sweeping, putting in a load of laundry, dishes, making my children lunch, making a valiant attempt at organizing, I realize something so awesomely cool and heartwarming.

I realized that if given the opportunity, Michael Jackson and I would have been the best of friends. If his music is any indication and I so strongly believe it is, we would have been inseparable. Ok, he probably would not have been able to hang out as much as I would have liked, you know being the King of Pop and one of the top entertainers loved around the world, but we would have kicked it when he had time and possibly I'd done some traveling with him.

No, I'm not high, Lol! I just think that Michael and I are the same in the many ways of his song lyrics, that our love for love, justice, peace, brother and sisters of the planet helping and not harming each other, yes, that "We Are The World" mentality, we're kin in that.

Naive possibly but my "bestie" Michael Jackson and I would have relished in that naivety together, all the while being the change we wanted to see. Michael Jackson was that change and I still strive to be, well need to put more action behind my intentions to be but we know what's said about intentions right...I need to get it together, but anywho...

What's your favorite Michael Jackson song? I know, what a question, who can pick only one as a favorite. I know I have my top five, top ten, top 50 but an absolute favorite, see even when I was going to say "Keep the Faith" but then "Man in the Mirror" and "The Lost Children" come to mind. Then "Gone Too Soon", "Will You Be There", "Rock My World", "With a Child's Heart", "Music and Me", "Fall Again", "Smile", "Can You Feel It" and truly about 50 others so never mind favorite, I'll take your top five, good luck with narrowing that down :-).

Michael Jackson and I also love to dance, did you know there's a clip on Youtube of Michael tap dancing with the Nicholas Brothers (Fayard & Harold Nicholas), I love tap, have for so many years, that's another blog entry in itself, especially since it was basically the entire 90's decade that I was just obsessed, with tap and with Savion Glover but I'll spill on that another time.

I miss you Michael, like we were the closest of "besties". I appreciate you for your contribution to the world that will be forever felt, benefited from and enjoyed. I didn't always understand or agree with how you lived your life, the decisions you made therein but you lived your life and encouraged others to live their best lives as well, with songs like, "Off the Wall", "On The Line", "Keep the Faith", "History", "Black or White", "Earth Song", "Heal The World", "Cry", and just so many others. I want so much to give you the biggest hug when I listen to your songs, "Stranger In Moscow", "Scared of the Moon", "Someone Put Your Hand Out", and one that still stops me in my tracks as I absorb your words, "Childhood".

It's known, by those who know me, and now you all, that I am the biggest sucker for love. I love LOVE, the feeling of it, the experience of it and will easily geek out and cry from happiness of seeing others heart deep in it and actions display it. Some of Michael's songs that take me there for those moments are, "Just A Little Bit of You...", "Butterflies", "Fall Again", "Speechless", "I Just Can't Stop Loving You", "The Way You Make Me Feel", "Someone In The Dark", "Got to be There", "Wanna Be Where You Are", "You Are My Life", "I'll Be There" and I don't the like any speak of blasphemy but I'll say that "Heaven Can Wait" has that "true love" element as well.

Now I appreciate too that Michael Jackson could get raw with it, he told it as it was with gems like, "They Don't Really Care About Us", "Ghosts" and "We've Had Enough". He also let it be known that he had haters, with "Unbreakable", "Why You Wanna Trip on Me", "Jam", "Privacy", "In the Back" and "Is It Scary". Michael had a few songs where he came at the ladies too with, "Who Is It", "Dirty Diana", "Blood on the Dance Floor, "Billie Jean", truly his body of work truly ran the scale.

I love you Michael Jackson and am so glad to have been born when I was so that I can be one of those who can say, I remember when...your new album was to be released and it was an event to see your new videos. When after "A Diffr'ent World" the premier of the "Remember The Time" video had people glued to their televisions then watching it on replay on the music video channels. I remember when "Scream" premiered, well not the actual date without cheating with Google, but I do remember it was another moment in time that was the topic of conversation for days after for many reasons. "Smooth Criminal" and "Thriller", a history making endeavor, were the two of the greatest music videos, short movies, every made I think, just amazing. They were bad, as you were "Bad", yet another of the great ones.

So, Michael, my "bestie" Thank God for you, for your parents for making you, which again is God's doing. I truly am thankful to have been alive to see you grow in your career and to have you apart of my life thru your music. Your music continues to guide me, encourage me and still serves as an example of perseverance and how one should feel a connection to the whole of mankind and be about the business of making us, as that whole, a bit better in even just "Our Small Way".

Even if just a smile, please give the gift of kindness to a stranger everyday! I'll start :-D

D.G. - Gone Too Soon

Hello All,

It's early morning Thursday, October 6, 2011.* Yesterday evening while I stood at the kitchen sink washing a few dishes, cooking dinner listening to my iPod, not knowing then that Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple had died, Michael Jackson's "Gone Too Soon" began to play. That truly beautiful, moving song is on a specific playlist that I listen to often and heard so many times over the years, but last night my thoughts went to a place they hadn't in some time.

While listening to "...like a comet, blazing across the evening sky, gone too soon..." I thought of D.G., a young guy I worked with back in 1999, at my second job at then First Union down on 5th & Market Streets in Philadelphia. I worked in the mail room, sorting mail. One night the power had gone out and Joe, our supervisor, said we could hang out until it came back on. Well it didn't take us long to get lost from the building but instead of just going downstairs out front, D.G., another guy and myself walked the few blocks down to Penn's Landing. I've been trying to recall the name of the other guy and still can't picture him, sorry other guy dude.

We went to the ice cream shop that used to be on the corner on Front & Chestnut Streets, got a cone each, then walked down to the water front and sat down. That's when I'd learned there was catfish in the Delaware River.  A man had a bag of bagels, breaking off pieces, throwing them over the railing, something big came up and ate it. I thought it was a rat at first but they can't breathe under water so I asked the man, he said catfish, who knew! Well, he did obviously...

All this time I'd had my "walk man", yes that's right, a cassette tape playing, AM/FM, radio having "walk man", that I would put on and groove to while sorting mail. I so miss the 80s & 90s. That night I was listening to a mix tape of songs and a few of Michael Jackson's came on.  At that point we were sitting in front of the water, D.G. and I shared my head phones and listened to a few songs. I knew a specific song was coming up next so I stopped the tape and made some other conversation. That song was "Gone Too Soon" that I purposely turned off because D.G. told me some time ago that his mother died so him hearing that song may trigger sadness, I didn't want him to feel down.  After that we made our way back to work and finished our shift.

I guess I should clarify that D.G. and I were not dating, we didn't have that kind of relationship, he did like me and that was sweet but he was a few years younger and I was crushin' hard on someone else. After a few months of working together, we found out that we lived within blocks of each other in West Philly. On the nights my sister would let me drive her car into work, if "D" was working, I would drive him home or we'd get the El together and walk from the 60th Street. He lived closer to the El so we'd reach his house first, then he'd say "get home safe" and we'd part ways.

One Saturday night I was driving so gave him a ride. He asked me to take him to a friend's house that was a few blocks from 60th & Baltimore Avenue.  He was going to see a girl, which was cute because he was really nice as well as a handsome.  I'd gotten all the way home when I realized that he left his t-shirts in a bag on the passenger side floor. So I immediately pulled off the the parking space, reluctantly because it was on my block and that was rare.  Drove back to the house I remembered him going into, knocked on the door, the young lady answered and he came down the steps.  I handed him the bag and he smiled so beautifully, as he often did, pleasantly said "thank you" and I again went home. 

Since that time I'd stopped working at First Union and the guy I was dating called me one morning to say that someone I worked with had been shot and killed. He said the name Michael, I worked with a Michael so I thought of him and was sad for his family.  I'd spoken to my man friend another time that day and he said he was wrong the name was something like Donte, Donnell Gregory, Greene, he wasn't certain and I was all kinds of confused. Still though, hearing about the murder of another young Black man, senseless as it is sad. 

Going about my day, I was in the kitchen and something hit me, just like came to me, I remember saying, "oh my God, no, no" as I rushed upstairs, skipping steps to get the cordless phone. I called Perry, who worked at First Union with us, and asked him if he'd heard again, was the initials D.G., was it Darnell. He said yes, I screamed!

Darnell Grant was such a nice young man. He was a hardworking, pleasant, respectful, I was so heartbroken. I wasn't around him always but when we stood a booth apart sorting mail and talking, his conversations were about being productive, not the foolishness of the streets. I didn't imagine almost hearing Micheal Jackson's song with him that night, would all too soon apply to him as well.  I went to his funeral and at this moment, I can picture clearly Darnell's face as the body that once moved about laid still in a casket.  I was afraid to go any closer than the back row of seats, all I could do is stare at his face for as long as I could take it then I said goodbye and left the church.


Sadly, Darnell isn't the first person I've known to be taken by gun violence. I've known others who barely got to see 25 years old, who have been murdered and another man who is in prison for life for being the murderer of one of those young men.  

*I'm posting this on Saturday evening because I hadn't completed typing. Just this morning on Facebook I learned that another young man I'd gone to elementary and high school with was killed. Then scrolling down the page a report from Chicago was that since last night, to early this morning 17 people were shot, 3 killed.

It has to stop!

My Heart Condition

How nuts is it that I'm considering having a heart transplant? I know it's not like picking out new hair (color, style, length even), new eyes (glasses or contacts), deciding on a nail color since the weather's warm and open toe shoes are a must.  Major surgery to replace my heart, extreme maybe, but what else could rid me of this pain.  All I know is the one currently in my chest aches too much so isn't that the next logical move, get on a list somewhere to get another one? That has to be an acceptable excuse right, seem to me, one that will bump me up closer to the front of the line, people are sympathetic to heartache right? I'm not all that gung ho to part with it, it's been mine, well on lone to me since birth, but this ole’ heart of mine is cracking under the pressure of hurt and I need so desperately for it to stop.

What's "wrong" with me, oh nothing terminal, well not by medical standards so I'm guessing there's no scientific, medical term for it. I have a known condition though, one that doesn’t get spoken of in public much, there are no annual walks or fund raisers for (ooh light bulb!) and as far as I know of, no rallies or telethons held in support of, to raise awareness about, to find a cure for. There may not have been many studies done on it, at least not by any reputable medical journals. Who am I kidding, if there are any, I wouldn't know, I don't read medical journals, so best I can do is assume there aren’t but a small few, if any. Yeah I could Google it, but I’m too busy typing now, don’t feel like it. There it is, another glaring side affect to being inflicted with heartache, laziness.  What I have may not have a clinical diagnosis, but at the very least, my condition has been appropriately named, by someone who may have questionable social standards but can work his way around music that explains so eloquently just what I and possibly thousands of others suffer from daily.

 Yes, it was none other than Jon Mayer, who has so accurately put name to “our condition". A condition I've experienced for many years, but has become more exacerbated during the past few months. My condition, as that of my fellow sufferers, is the very painful, unremorseful condition of: "Dreaming with a Broken Heart".  I am a sufferer, will I be a survivor, only time will tell. Hey how about that, I've been told that “Time” is one of the best cures for this not so rare condition, that and "the focusing on and accomplishing of goals". It that true, cause I've taken "Time", to ponder, envision, fantasize, reflect and all that's done is increase the symptoms and the pain. From what I hear, "Time" has seem to be the most effective method thus far, well based on this one generic study I remember now hearing about that used "Time" and the placebo, "Keeping otherwise active". But a third, smaller group had the best results with managing the symptoms associated with the dreaded, "Dreaming with a Broken Heart”, when having both.

So with a strong 5,000 mg daily dose of “Time”, that seems to kick in slowly and one side effect is that an hour can seem like a minute and a minute an hour some days (totally heard that in a movie - points if you know which?) It's true though. Sometimes the side effects can fluctuate on the same day. When that happens, it's a breeding ground for the inevitable symptoms to rear their ugliness by the second, those that render me exposed, vulnerable, crying and twitching uncontrollably. Symptoms such as, the “what ifs”, “wish I hads”, “if onlys”, “why me’s”, “if I could do overs”, and the like.  Before surgery, I'm sure something would be prescribed anyhow so how about I put myself on this strict combination of both, “Time” and "keeping otherwise active". Hey, if this is the most effective method to not needing a complete heart transplant, I'm all for giving it a try. The relapse though, there’s always room for a relapse, is the worse and will have me quickly figuring out ways to finagle my way on to that transplant list again.

With the rule of no refills of “Time”, as the days pass I'm closer and closer to being out, so I need to rely less on the "promise" of the relief “Time” can bring and double up a few on my "Keep otherwise active", for which there is no foreseeable end supply. Good thing I have a lifetime prescription for that, well come to think of it, my "keep otherwise busy" has the same expiration date as my "Time" so they'll always have to be used in combination for maximum results.  Possibly, the transplant I truly need is for my imagination, instead of my heart, for that's where my symptoms seem to manifest from. Yes, a change of mind, that will undoubtedly change my heart. Could that be all it'll take? Simply said but not so simply done, huh! So I'll keep you posted about the list just so you'll know if you'll need to buy a recovery gift but for now, maintaining a consistent dose of "Time" and "Keeping otherwise active" sounds like a more plausible approach for my broken heart.

I wish for no others to have this condition but I know there will be inevitably be those newly "diagnosed". I just hope they will find the same remedy to be effective for them or the list for heart transplants will become amazingly long.

Thanks for reading, be well and be kind to a stranger, even if it's with only a smile!